Ben Kaimana Diamond / Son Stone

Lyrics

I was feeling down, a little alone
When a social post popped-up on my phone
For just fifty bucks on a credit card
I could talk to Jesus!

What would I ask? Does He have regrets?
Is this the year for the New York Mets?
Is He looking down from the clouds above
And can He really, truly free us?


I studied the ad, my interest piqued,
I knew I had money coming in next week
So I tapped the number listed in the post
And took out my Master Card

With wonder and excitement, Jesus’ phone rang
I cycled through all the hymns I’d sang
Then Jesus spoke and what He said
It left me forever scarred ..


He said: “This is Jesus. Hello, Kevin!
Your payment first, then I’ll take you to heaven!
Redemption cost money, it don’t come free,
Then you can talk dirty to me.”


Now I know Jesus was a liberal thinker
And on occasion He could be a drinker
But I never thought He was a
Dirty-talkin kind-a-guy

When something ain’t right, it must be its wrong
He was on his bed, He was wearing a thong
And I knew this wasn’t America’s Jesus,
Chevrolet and apple pie ..


He said: “My body is bread for you to dine
And you can drink me up like holy wine
But I’ll need those digits, I don’t come free,
Then you can talk dirty to me.”


I had trouble breathing, like a heart attack
I hung up the phone, Jesus called right back!
He said: “I know your number, Kevin,
And I know what’s on your mind ..”

I said: “Jesus! I don’t care what you’re wearing!
If you call back again, I’m gonna start swearing
Your name
And I promise, it won’t be kind!”


So I took the phone from my other cheek
I pressed the “End” button on that horny freak.
But He kept calling
And I had to block His line.

And I had to change my bank account
After Jesus withdrew a large amount
And friends, let this be a lesson
For all that’s Holy and Divine.


He said: “This is Jesus. Hello, Kevin!
Your payment first, then I’ll take you to heaven!
Redemption cost money, it don’t come free,
Then you can talk dirty to me.”

Then you can talk dirty to me.
Yah you can talk dirty, you can talk dirty,
you can talk dirty to me.